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One Million Dollars

1 Apr 2019

 

I am going to start a new political party in the UK. Here is my manifesto: I am going to give everyone that votes for me one million quid. There are 47 million eligible voters in the UK, but I only need slightly more than half, so first come first serve. How am I going to fund the £23,500,001,000,000 necessary to secure victory? Easy, Donald Trump is going to pay for it. He is a gazillionaire and he promised (special relationship et al).

 

I am also going to cut defence spending, because our good friend and supreme leader, Kim Jong-Un, has promised to keep us safe. We will also get £350,000,000 per week from the EU, because we are going to leave that horrible democratic institution. Of course, we are going to stay in the single market, be part of the customs unions, but not allow free movement, and only ever do what we want. Finally, we will also cut funding for the arts, sports, leisure, health care, science, education, police, fire, and ambulance services so that we can build a giant statue of myself that will take over Hyde Park and reach all the way to the moon.

 

I guarantee, that everyone who does what I say will be rewarded in the afterlife. There, all my voters (and only my voters) will enjoy an eternity of every pleasure known to man (yes, not woman), including Netflix, Match of the Day and an endless supply of “on-line entertainment”. All you have to do is vote for me and you will live forever, never have any problems and you are relieved of any guilt, as it will always be someone else’s fault.

 

Climate change, the survival of our species, and life on this planet as we know it? Who cares, I am old for crying out loud, and my political term is up in 5 years anyway. I am going to enrich myself beyond all measure and destroy everything I can, because I can. Least of all, am I going to keep any of my promises I made to my voters. If you are stupid enough to vote for me, you are also dumb enough to believe anything I say. Vote for me, and make the UK super awesome again.

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